The Exile's Election Challenge
Mark Ames of the Exile mag makes a daring and nightmarish prediction:
We'll stake ten years of hard-won credibility on just this one foolish prediction -- we're doubling down everything this paper is worth, and placing our girlfriends as collateral just in case. That's how good we feel about this. Ready? Here goes. THIS COMING TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 7, 2006, THE REPUBLICANS WILL KEEP CONTROL OF BOTH HOUSES OF CONGRESS.
Arghhhhhhhhhhh!
So confident is he of this prediction that:
In fact, I'm so sure that the Republicans are going to keep control of both houses after this coming Tuesday that I'm willing put my pride where my mouth is. So here is my Pepsi Challenge, which I offer up to any American who writes in telling me I have no idea what I'm talking about: if the Democrats take just one of the two houses, I will hereby register with the Republican Party by the end of this year, and have myself photographed doing so. Moreover, I will promise to write at least two straight-faced editorials in 2007 condemning the new Democratic-led house of Congress for a) playing partisan politics; b) giving in to the radical blame-America-first crowd; and c) giving aid and comfort to terrorists.
Alternatively, if the Republicans keep both houses as we predict, then here is your punishment... well, hell, what could be a bigger punishment than that? Already I'm laughing just reading that sentence. I can't think of anything more slapstick than another two years of Shithead & Gang in charge of the once-invincible United States Armed Forces, its law-making institutions, and its giguillion-dollar budget. It's classic cheap screwball comedy material, like an ambitious remake of Tommy Boy: fuck-up heir to the family's political dynasty winds up destroying the entire country faster than you can say "speedball," with hilarious results. And believe us-you-plural, when Tuesday's election results roll in, we at the eXile will be chortling like hyenas from our Starlite Diner Election-2006 Studio Booth. We'll be cackling even louder and more annoyingly than we cackled in November, 2004, as we watched Bush roll to victory, against what every sane person imagined possible... Bush's supporters waved and cheered at us from the TV sets, with a confidence that said, "If you think we've fucked things up badly in our first four years, then folks, in the words of the great Bachman Turner Overdrive: 'B-b-b-baby, you jus' ain't seen nuthin' yet!'"
The bastard Ames is beginning to convince me, but there's more to come.
You can see we're already celebrating this Tuesday's "Republican Shocker" in advance. We're so sure that, as you've seen, we don't even want to force you to pony up in case you lose. But since we have to accept the fact that you idiots out there, suckers that you are, don't think it's a fair Pepsi Challenge unless you also have to do something humiliating, well, we thought of something. Okay, if another two years of Republican control isn't obviously punishment enough, then here's your dare. Whoever challenges me has to agree to the following: If the Republicans hold on to both houses of Congress, then my challenger(s) must sign a statement confessing that America's experiment with democracy has failed. That America's democracy can no longer be excused as "imperfect," but rather, as your public confession will stress, democracy is the root of America's problem. Your solution? You pledge to support the peaceful transfer of power to a junta, which will work to "restore order." But it can't be a military junta, because the ugly truth is that most Americans would eagerly support a military junta. Hell, they've been trying to vote for the closest equivalent to a military junta for decades now; even the "liberal hawks" love the idea of a military junta. So that's not punishment, folks. No, the junta you, the bet-loser, must argue for is one composed of the American equivalent to Plato's "philosopher-kings": a feeble cabal of university academics and intellectuals drawn entirely from New England and California.
Actually it's the military junta that would scare the shit out of me, unless this junta was composed of people (I use the term loosely) like Daniel (Penis Head) Pipes and the fake intellectual David (Horror) Horowitz...
We'll stake ten years of hard-won credibility on just this one foolish prediction -- we're doubling down everything this paper is worth, and placing our girlfriends as collateral just in case. That's how good we feel about this. Ready? Here goes. THIS COMING TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 7, 2006, THE REPUBLICANS WILL KEEP CONTROL OF BOTH HOUSES OF CONGRESS.
Arghhhhhhhhhhh!
So confident is he of this prediction that:
In fact, I'm so sure that the Republicans are going to keep control of both houses after this coming Tuesday that I'm willing put my pride where my mouth is. So here is my Pepsi Challenge, which I offer up to any American who writes in telling me I have no idea what I'm talking about: if the Democrats take just one of the two houses, I will hereby register with the Republican Party by the end of this year, and have myself photographed doing so. Moreover, I will promise to write at least two straight-faced editorials in 2007 condemning the new Democratic-led house of Congress for a) playing partisan politics; b) giving in to the radical blame-America-first crowd; and c) giving aid and comfort to terrorists.
Alternatively, if the Republicans keep both houses as we predict, then here is your punishment... well, hell, what could be a bigger punishment than that? Already I'm laughing just reading that sentence. I can't think of anything more slapstick than another two years of Shithead & Gang in charge of the once-invincible United States Armed Forces, its law-making institutions, and its giguillion-dollar budget. It's classic cheap screwball comedy material, like an ambitious remake of Tommy Boy: fuck-up heir to the family's political dynasty winds up destroying the entire country faster than you can say "speedball," with hilarious results. And believe us-you-plural, when Tuesday's election results roll in, we at the eXile will be chortling like hyenas from our Starlite Diner Election-2006 Studio Booth. We'll be cackling even louder and more annoyingly than we cackled in November, 2004, as we watched Bush roll to victory, against what every sane person imagined possible... Bush's supporters waved and cheered at us from the TV sets, with a confidence that said, "If you think we've fucked things up badly in our first four years, then folks, in the words of the great Bachman Turner Overdrive: 'B-b-b-baby, you jus' ain't seen nuthin' yet!'"
The bastard Ames is beginning to convince me, but there's more to come.
You can see we're already celebrating this Tuesday's "Republican Shocker" in advance. We're so sure that, as you've seen, we don't even want to force you to pony up in case you lose. But since we have to accept the fact that you idiots out there, suckers that you are, don't think it's a fair Pepsi Challenge unless you also have to do something humiliating, well, we thought of something. Okay, if another two years of Republican control isn't obviously punishment enough, then here's your dare. Whoever challenges me has to agree to the following: If the Republicans hold on to both houses of Congress, then my challenger(s) must sign a statement confessing that America's experiment with democracy has failed. That America's democracy can no longer be excused as "imperfect," but rather, as your public confession will stress, democracy is the root of America's problem. Your solution? You pledge to support the peaceful transfer of power to a junta, which will work to "restore order." But it can't be a military junta, because the ugly truth is that most Americans would eagerly support a military junta. Hell, they've been trying to vote for the closest equivalent to a military junta for decades now; even the "liberal hawks" love the idea of a military junta. So that's not punishment, folks. No, the junta you, the bet-loser, must argue for is one composed of the American equivalent to Plato's "philosopher-kings": a feeble cabal of university academics and intellectuals drawn entirely from New England and California.
Actually it's the military junta that would scare the shit out of me, unless this junta was composed of people (I use the term loosely) like Daniel (Penis Head) Pipes and the fake intellectual David (Horror) Horowitz...
Labels: US Politics
posted by roGER at 2:10 pm
2 Comments:
Errr Congratulations TWW, yours may be the most crazed reply we've ever suffered on this blog.
Are you taking your Quetiapine?!?
It's 1.25am and and I'm writing this before results come in. No, I am not staying up to watch! Just want to chip in and say that I think this report is right and that today belongs to the Republicans. This would please me and horrify you, no doubt.
My reason? It's to do with chess. A friend of mine always tells me that a player with a bad plan beats a player with no plan. And no matter how flawed you think the neo-con plan for the middle-east is, it is at least A PLAN. I don't see how Americans can possibly detect any plan regarding the middle-east on the Democrats' side. I think enough of them will figure subconciously that even if the Iraq war is a bad plan, it's better than no plan.
I also think the John Kerry gaffe is much more serious that a couple of sex scandals.
But we'll see.
DY
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