The Story of Hillary Rodham Clinton and the Genie of the Lamp

In December 2000, after winning her first election to become the junior Senator from New York, Hillary Rodham Clinton was strolling alone on a beach in the Caribbean, thinking about her aspirations to become President.

As she neared the end of the beach, far away from her hotel, she noticed light reflecting off something rolling around in the surf. She walked into the waves and picked up what appeared to be an old, rusted lamp, with an inscription of some kind.

As she tried to rub some of the rust off to get a better look at the inscription, the lamp suddenly spewed a great cloud of smoke that animated itself in the form of a great genie. The following conversation ensued:

Genie: Who is it that has freed me from my long confinement?

HRC: Um, that’s me, Hillary Rodham Clinton. Who are you?

Genie: I am the Genie of the Lamp! Hillary Rodham Clinton, for doing me this great service, I grant you 12 wishes. What do you wish?

HRC: 12 wishes?!!? Really? Wow, you know, I really really want to be President of the United States, but I think 2004 is too soon for me, so I will be running in 2008. And I’m sure that by then the Republicans will have so ruined the country that there is no way a Democrat can lose, so I only have to claim the Democratic nomination to take the Presidency. So, here is my first wish Genie, in late 2007, I want to have a multi-million dollar lead in fundraising over my closest rival.

Genie: It will be done.

HRC: Oh, and in case that’s not enough, I also want Bill and I to have made, say, over $100 million between now and then.

Genie: That also is not a problem.

HRC: Great, also, I want my name to be the most recognizable name in Democratic politics at that time!

Genie: Of course.

HRC: Super. I’m glad I met you Genie. Let’s see, I also want my biggest rival for the nomination to be…African-American!

Genie: It shall be.

HRC: Oh, and let’s not only have him be African-American, but have him be of mixed racial heritage, with a white mother and African-American father.

Genie: As you wish.

HRC: What else, what else, oh! I also want his last name, well, maybe that’s too much, his middle name to be the same as someone the United States has gone to war with twice.

Genie: Easily doable.

HRC: Well maybe the last name thing wouldn’t be too much, how about this, I want his last name to be almost the same as that of the first name of the biggest terrorist in the world!

Genie: A simple matter.

HRC: This is fun! Okay, um, I also want him to have written an autobiography in which he admits to doing cocaine.

Genie: You are truly devious Hillary Rodham Clinton, so it shall be.

HRC: And I want him to have gone to a church with a pastor who says crazy things on videotape like “God-damn America!” and have that tape played over and over and over on national television.

Genie: I believe that’s two wishes, Hillary Rodham Clinton, both granted.

HRC: He should also have an absentee father who was a Muslim! No offense Genie.

Genie: None taken, a Muslim he shall be.

HRC: I want to start off the primary campaign with a huge lead in the superdelegates!

Genie: Done.

HRC: And finally, I want to be the Democratic Party’s nominee for President in 2008!

Genie: I’m sorry Hillary Rodham Clinton, but that is your 13th wish, you only have 12.

HRC: Oh. Well, that’s okay Genie, I’m sure with all those other wishes I’ll win easily in a landslide.

***

I have no idea who wrote this brilliant little tale; it was found in the comments section of a blog just now, posted by "Urgh" with no contact details.

It's wonderful that Hillary isn't the Democratic candidate; not because she would have been a bad president - I think she'd have been excellent. No my problem with Hillary was just how much the right (and I don't mean just the extreme right) really HATE her in a deep visceral kind of way. Nominating Hillary would have meant millions of Republicans and centerists disgusted and angry after 8 years of George W Fuckwit, would have troubled themselves to drive to the polling booths and pull the lever for john McCain. Now such people will stay at home and (best case scenario) some of the centerists will be drawn to Obama and vote for him.

So... for the record I'm predicting Barack Obama will be the next President of the United States.